Puke, Diarrhea & Urine: The Fluids of Fatherhood

Poopy Diaper. Photo: Flickr - Xenophod

As many of you know, I’ve been down the past few days after having some “minor” abdominal surgery. When you have the abs of the Michelin Man, any minor abdominal surgery means a longer recovery since crunches haven’t been a priority for me the past few years.

While I’ve been pretty much relegated to bed or the big comfy chair downstairs by the TV, there has been lots happening it the house. As most parents readily will tell you, when things go bad on the home front, they usually go really wrong and really fast.

Just over four weeks ago, we were blessed with our fourth child. We’ve adjusted OK to that (aka my wife does all the overnight stuff!) and all that comes along with having a newborn. After that joyous occasion, I went down with my own medical ailment including a trip to the emergency room. Soon after, my 2 year-old son caught some sort of stomach virus. We learned this last week when he decided to suddenly puke all over our newly cleaned couch and carpet. The poor little guy was just running and playing turned and looked at my wife and…BLEEEEARG! Thanks for your deposit, come again.

This was of course followed up by a nice course of runny, sticky, smelly toddler juice. If you’re not familiar with “sick kid diarrhea,” consider yourself lucky. My fellow parents can attest: it never gets easier but you just get through those leaky, creepy diapers. Sometimes, it makes you gag but we’re doing it for love, after all.In between the 2 year-old’s puke/diarrhea, you have the newborn spitting up like it’s the New York Subway schedule. Every feeding, after 10 minutes, that cute white regurgitation splashes on your face, close, arms – or whatever else you have exposed. The kid takes after Dad and regularly aims at Mom’s cleavage with regular success.

Then, after I’ve been home from surgery for a few days, my 12 year old, perhaps feeling neglected by her overworked, overtaxed parents, decides she needs to join the club. That’s right: FLU TIME! God bless my daughter but she has a flair for the dramatics so her first puke of the Flu of 2009 was stellar for Mom and Dad. Since she’s older, she gets herself to the bathroom and has plenty of experience praying to the porcelain god. This time though, with Mom exhausted from taking care of me and the two babies, decides to puke in her room…on the carpet.

There’s nothing like cleaning vomit out of carpet when you’re about to bust a cap in anyone who even breathes in your general direction. That’s what my wife had to deal with. I helped when I could and I am sure I was more trouble than I was worth.

Let’s face it: these nasty, disgusting, smelly fluids just go along with being a parent. I simply call them “The Fluids of Fatherhood.”

I wonder if anyone has actually kept a measurement of how much you do deal with over the course of a kids’ time at home. It’s got to be a pretty high number.

Anyway, I think one of the boys had lots of milk for dinner. Guess which fluid I have to clean up now?

Follow Scott on Twitter @prgully or email him at scott@everyotherthursday.com. His personal blog, where he writes about public relations and social media, is www.scottgulbransen.com. Just don’t bitch to him because he has a very strong pimp hand.

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Tags: Cleaning Up, Fatherhood, Puke, Sick